Memories
by The-Icon-Girl
Summary: Russia/America  I want someone to hold my hands. The hands that hold mine, I want them to belong to you.  A little bit of France/England. Nothing particularly central to the plot though.  / This is probably AU. Most likely. Yeah, it is. /
1. Introduction: Hold My Hand

**_Introductory chapter to my very first Hetalia fanfiction. Enjoii._**

**Memories**

I want someone to hold my hand.  
The holds that will hold mine…I want them to be yours.

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When did I start thinking this way?

It might have been the day we met. That day, you told me I had eyes that glowed. That day, you told me I reminded you of sunshine.

It might have been the day we spent together. Just the two of us, laughing and smiling. I loved how happy you looked. I didn't realize then just how much I loved it, though.

It might have been the day a year after our first meeting. The day when you told me we had become the best of friends, in that accent of yours. The accent that I hear whenever I close my eyes and listen.

I've seen your dark side. I was there during the violence, the blood. And yet, I still feel the same. Nothing has changed.

You were in tears that day. You didn't want me to hate you. I could never hate you. As long as your eyes shine, we'll be friends.

I can't help but think though…I want more than that. I want a bond with you that will last forever. A bond so deep, it could never be broken.

That day we spent together, laughing and smiling, was one of the best days of my life. That was the day that I felt your hand on mine for the first time. When I think about that now, a sad smile crosses my face. I remember the warmth of your hand well.

The warmth coming from that hand showed your kind side. The side not tainted by the tragic past you've had. The childlike, innocent side. The side that makes it hard to contain my feelings.

But I don't want to ruin what we already have.

I can only bear these feelings as long as you're near me.

Ivan.

You'll never see this letter. I wish I could force it upon you. I wish I could force my feelings on you, make you deal with them. But I could never do that to you.

I love you more than anything, Ivan. I wish you felt the same way. I wish for it with every breath I take.

I won't give you this letter, because I love you this much. I don't want things to change. I couldn't endure not seeing your smiling face. I don't want to see you cry ever again. I don't want to be someone who causes you pain. So I'll endure these feelings. As long as I can see you smiling at me…I can endure.

Ivan.

I love you.

I'll always love you.

I want to feel our fingers entwined again.

- Alfred

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_**Well, there it is. Next chapter typed and ready to go up soon. See you then!**_

_**By the way, I would appreciate it very much if you gave that review button some love. 3**_


	2. The First Memory

**_Righto! Next chapter being typed up. Enjoii this one.  
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The First Memory - Our First Meeting**

I was only 17 when we first met. Your hair and eyes shone brightly in the midday sun. The smile you gave me was just as bright.

"I love the sunlight," you said to me. I smiled back and said that I loved it too. I asked you where you were from, and it seemed as if a cloud had passed over your head as you answered me.

"A place where that is cold. Little sunshine, and lots of snow." When I looked at you with a confused look, you sighed and said, "Russia." I frowned and nodded, and told you that here in America, even if it gets cold and snows, the sun always comes out again. The smile, brighter than the surroundings, that lit up your face made me smile as well. You then looked around to the person behind you. I never even noticed there was anyone there. You laughed and said, "I was brought here to meet you by your brother, Arthur." I nodded at Arthur, and he nodded back.

"Not because I wanted to. He wanted to meet you. I'd like to stay as far away from your house as possible." You smiled at both of us, and then held out your hand for me to shake.

"I am Ivan." I took your hand and shook it, and told you my name.

"Alfred," you repeated, "I like it." I asked you why, and you simply answered, "It reminds me of sunshine. Your eyes do too. They glow brightly, like the sun above us." I stared up at your face, into your eyes, and I was thinking that no matter how bright my eyes were, they could never compare to the deep violet of yours.

An hour later, Arthur wanted to take you to meet his friends.

"I do not want to leave," you said, but he said, "We're already late, Ivan! We need to go." I smiled and said that we could always hang out again in a few days. Your eyes lit up and a smile appeared.

"Hope to see you soon, Alfred," you said, your accent butchering my name. I didn't mind.

"Goodbye, Ivan." I said, your name rolling off my tongue effortlessly. You waved and laft with Arthur. A few minutes later, after watching you both walk away, I sank down into my couch and turned on the TV.

I didn't realize it at the time, but the reason I was able to cheer so loudly at the game was because of the happiness you had given me.

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_**And there it is. See you next time.**_

_**Don't forget to push that review button. It's lonely and wants your company. :)**_


	3. The Second Memory

_**And, here it is, Chapter 3. This is personally one of my favorite parts. Enjoii.**_

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The Second Memory - Our Day**

My birthday, only 7 months after the day we met. You were one of my best friends by then. I was so happy when you asked to take me out all day, because you knew I loved amusement parks, and there was one near the place you were staying. You didn;t ket me pay for a thing the whole time. I remember, when I went to pay for my ticket, you gently shoved my hand aside and looked down at me, saying, "It is your birthday. I will pay. You just have fun wihtout worring, understand?" The woman at the counter exclaimed, "Oh! It's your birthday? Lucky, a 4th of July birthday is sooo cool!" I nodded, but otherwise ignored her. I had eyes only for you. You, however, looked around excitedly once we got inside.

"I have never been to one of these before." You said, and I laughed.

"Never, ever?" I said, and as you shook your head, a rush of adrenaline pumped through me.

"Let's do the roller coasters first then!"

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At the end of the day, we were both smiling and laughing more than we had ever done before. You looked so happy, so accomlished. I asked why, and you said "this is the first time I have done something like this." I asked you what you meant, and you replied, "Taking someone out to do something." That made me smile wider than I was already. You laughed.

"It is a nice feeling, knowing that I am the one who is making you smile like that," you said, and patted my head with one of your big hands.

"Hey!" I said, and brushed your hand away while trying not to blush. "I'm not a kid!" You just laughed and and led me towards the ferris wheel.

"Let's do this before we leave, da?" I frowned up at the tall structure and told you how scared of heights I was. "It will be okay. I will hold your hand if you need me to."

I ended up holding your hand on the ride. You didn't comment when you offered your hand after glimpsing the scared look on my face. You didn't say anything the whole ride, just held my hand. I liked it. And that moment, I begun to realize that I was feeling more than friendship for you.

When we got off the ride, I must have looked odd, because you asked me what was wrong. I asked you whether you thought it was odd that we were holding hands on a ride generally meant for couples. You smiled at me and said, "Nyet, Alfred. It is okay. We all get scared. I am glad I was able to hold your hand and help you feel better." I looked away from your face once you finished the sentence, trying to hide the blush that had crept onto my cheeks.

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_**Oh dear, that looked so much longer on paper. Oh well. Next chapter up soon, I promise. **_

_**Go on, press that review button. It'll be fun for everyone involved, I promise. ;D**_


	4. The Third Memory

_**Here it is, 4th chapter! Enjoii, lovelies.**_

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**The Third Memory - Our Friendship**

A year after the first time we met, we were at Arthur's house, ceclebrting his engagement to Francis. I had snuck some of the champagne, and soon you were laughing at the way I was trying to be sneaky, and then got caught and yelled at by Arthur for being a 'little brat' and a 'disgrace to him' and the usual. Afterwards, I wandered over to where you were, and saw you still laughing. I asked you in an offended voice what you were freaking laughing at, and you laughed harder. But despite this, your answer was serious.

"It is funny. The affection in his voice is very obvious when he is yelling at you." I shook my head and disagreed, and your laughter turned into a sad smile.

"Nyet, Alfred, I am serious. You cannot feel it?" I shook my head again.

"Arthur was right, you cannot read the mood at all." I nodded and laughed, and told you that I got that all the time. You smiled happily this time, and said, "It is good for Arthur and Francis, that they have found this together, da?" I looked questioningly at you, and nodded. You smiled brighter. " I hope to find this feeling as well. Though I worry I am getting too old." I frowned and realized I had never known how old he was. I never really thought it mattered. I asked you your age, and you answered, "23 years." I laughed.

"No way! You're too tall to be that young! But you're also too childish looking to be that old!"

You laughed with me and said "Da, I should be married by now, I think." I looked up into your eyes as you looked down into mine. "So, I am a little jealous of those two." I nodded and looked away, saying that I was too.

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We talked together until Francis kicked everyone out of the house, saying he wanted private time with Arthur. The second the phrase hit my ears, I had grabbed your arm and raced out the door. You asked me if I was okay, and I explained that I did not need to hear what Francis had said. You smiled.

"Even friends need private time together," you laughed, "You are my best friend, and I wish to spend lots of time alone with you." I tried to hide the blush that crossed my face by looking at your heavy coat instead of your face. You looked at my action and frowned.

"Do you think of me as your best friend?" you asked. I told you that I did, and the happiest smile that I had ever seen lit up your face, blowing away everything besides one, resounding thought. _ Your eyes are so beautiful._

"I am so glad, Alfred." you said, tripping on my name with your accent once again.

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_**I am really rather fond of this chapter. **_

_**Hit the review button, lovelies. This story wants you to. It really wants you to. It will give you a cookie if you do so.**_


	5. Violence

**_This chapter is very rough. I don't like it all too much. But it's an essential part of the story, so, enjoii._****_  
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Violence - Your Dark Side**

My mouth hung open in shock as your fists pummeled the bloody man lying beneath you. Arthur's face was brusised and bleeding, as well as his chest. A few minutes before, the three of us were at Arthur's house, talking about something, and Arthur had said something that had somehow broken through your exterior, and the next second, you were on him, beating him into a bloody pulp. And it was definitely bloody. Your knuckles were dyed red, your heavy coat splattered with Arthur's blood. When you stopped, Arthur was unconcious, barely breathing. In that second, something in my brain snapped. This reminded me too much of that day. The day I saw him weakened by my own hands. The day I left. I collapsed onto the floor and began to sob. And suddenly you were at my side. I cried while I looked at you, noticing the fire in yur eyes had left, to be replaced by unfathomable sadness, and unfathomable horror. I just stared, not able to do anything else. By brain was slowly collapsing. I didn't know what to feel, except shock. As I looked at your face, a single tear fell down your cheek, and onto your lap. Your eyes widened as you realized what was happening, and then there was another tear. And another. And a second later you were crying as hard as I was. You looked around at Arthur, then back at me, and my heart felt like it was breaking. You stared at the both of us, tears falling down your face, and out of nowhere, words came out of your mouth.

"I...I don't...I...oh god, Alfred, I'm sorry..." As soon as the words left your lips, I stood up and got to a phone, called an ambulance and told you to go clean yourself up in the bathroom. You were in there for nearly a half-hour. By the time you got back, Arthur was already gone. I had cleaned the bood off the floor, and there was no trace left of what you had done besides the deep red spots on your coat. I asked you if you wanted to walk home with me, my voice hoarse and dead. You didn't answer, just looked at me. So I grabbed your arm and dragged you to my house.

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The whole time we were walking, I thought about you. Arthur would be fine, I knew. He was strong. But you...I couldn't judge. I was afraid that you would snap again and hurt me, but something told me you wouldn't. _I know your darker side now, I know the afteraffects of your tragic past. Now that I know...have my feelings changed...?_

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You were silent the whole time we walked. When we got to my door, you looked at me, your eyes full of tears again. It hurt. It hurt somewhere deep in my chest to see tears in your beautiful, violet eyes. I knew then, that my feelings hadn't changed. I still felt the same when I looked at you. I still felt some kind of deep longing to hug you, to never let you go. There was no doubt, when I looked in your eyes, and no doubt when a question fell upon my ears as I unlocked my door.

"Alfred...do you hate me now?"

"Never. I could never hate you."

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The next day, when I woke up, you were already awake, sitting next to my bed, frowning down at me. As much as last night had hurt me, today wasa new day. I smiled at you, and said, "Good morning, Ivan. Let's go visit Arthur in the hospital."

Arthur immediately accepted your apology, an apology that you repeated numerous times, until he held up a hand and said, "Forget it. I knew the consequences. I was being a right little prick. I crossed the line. It's my fault." You frowned and refused to let him take responsibility. Francis was pissed off when he found out, but he was usually pissed off at you, so it really didn't make too much of a difference. And as suddenly as things had changed, they went back to how they were before.

And I realized that I knew everything about you now. And it hadn't changed anything.  


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**_This is technically the last part of this story. Next chapter will be the epilogue. See you then!  
Remember to review, or else, Russia will beat you with his faucet/pipe-thing. Or America will shove hamburgers in your mouth. Whichever is more painful. ;D _**


	6. Words

_**Epilogue! Final bit of this story. Enjoii!**_

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Words – Epilogue**

A few months later, and a few weeks after the second birthday of mine that we spent together, we're still the best of friends. By this time, I had a clear idea of the feelings I was feeling towards you. I hadn't told you, and I doubted I ever would. I would die if I somehow ruined our friendship, if I never got to see your smiling face again. Around this time, I wrote a letter to you. I never sent it, and eventually I lost it. You never saw it, but that doesn't matter now. The words are etched into my heart.

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Two years after the day we met, you came over to my house in the middle of the night. I answered the door to find you still in your day clothes, with an expression on your face that I couldn't quite make out. I frowned up at you and asked you what was wrong. You just shook your head and said, "Can I stay here tonight, Alfred?" your accent tripping over my name like always. I tell you that you can, and you collapsed onto my couch, sighing heavily. I sat next to you and pulled softly on your pink scarf. You looked down at my hands.

"How are Francis and Arthur? I have not talked to them in a while." I told you that they were fine, though Francis still hates you. You nodded, and said, "If I were him, I would have killed me by now." I laughed awkwardly and you smiled. "Can we watch one of your scary movies? I like them." I nodded and slipped a DVD that I was planning to watch anyway into the player, then told you to turn off all the lights. You did and then sat back down on the couch. As I turned back towards you with the remote in my hand, you patted the spot next to you on the couch and smiled.

"Sit here." I did, and pressed the 'play' button on the remote.

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About halfway through the movie, I was already scared out of my mind. I held tightly onto you scarf, and sat as close to you as possible, shaking. When you noticed me shaking against your body, you laughed and pulled the scarf out of my hands, and replaced it with one of your own big hands. I looked at you, then back and the screen, and held tightly onto your hand.

By the end of the movie, I was a complete wreck. Tear stains on my face, my hair messed up, and clutching your hand so hard that my nails had dug in. You gently removed my nails and looked down at me, smiling. I then noticed how dark it was, and how close to me you were. I felt my face turn red, and my heartbeat get faster. When I found the courage to look up into your eyes, I saw something hidden deep in them, an emotion I couldn't quite place. And suddenly, one of your hands was on my face, the other one still holding onto mine. But before I could process your actions, your lips lightly touched mine. My eyes widened in shock, as you pulled away and looked back down at me. I stared up into the brilliant violet of your eyes, realization crashing down onto me.

"Ivan-" I said, and you pressed a finger to my lips.

"Nyet, Alfred. I want to say it first," you said, and I felt my heart begin to race faster. You stared directly into my eyes, and said the words I'd been dreaming about, words I never thought I would get to hear.

"I love you, Alfred." you said, and your lips pressed into mine once more.

**The End**

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_**And there it is, the end of this story. I hope you liked it!  
I wonder what I should write next...any ideas? PM me~!  
That review button sure is pretty, isn't it? You should totally go hit on it! It'll like you, for sure. ;) **_


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